Thoughts on Significance

After being in the sun, even light seems dim... I wrote that in my notebook when I came back into the classroom after my 10:30 am break in the garden of the school. It only took a minute or so before my eyes adjusted and the yellow light seemed normal again, even bright.

When I spend intentional time with God, I usually read scripture, think about it, reread it, journal some about it, reread it or portions of it that strike me as odd, or perfect, or baffling... and then I pray about them. Sometimes I don't pray (mostly because I forget too, after being pleased with myself that I once again determined how to apply the word to my life and fit it in a soundbite...) but other times, I have real time with God and pray about the scriptures, and my emotions, and my thoughts and I ask God to make sense of it all. And in those moments of asking, I forget that I cared I wanted it all to make sense and I just become thankful that I am talking to the God of the Universe. That He is all knowing, and redeeming and He loves me and He is listening.

The night before last, I didn't sleep much. I write it as a point, because I consider myself to have the gift of sleep. I lived with a friend for a year who took sleep pills several times a week. I determined I had a gift after falling asleep midway during praying that the Lord would help her fall asleep. My real point, is that I was in and out of sleep the night before last thinking about how I needed my life to count for something. The question of significance just kept flying back and forth across my mind, I felt like I could see the words almost, and I just wanted to grab them and make them stop flying...It was not of God. I am sure of it. I felt the questions so thick, and heavy and urgent, but mostly, selfish.

There is a book by Robert Mcgee called, "The Search for Significance" and I remember students raving about it when I was in college. I googled it, to make sure I had the author right for this entry, and the internet says millions of copies have been sold, and there is a matching journal and devotional you can buy with it too. Guess I'm not the only one who stays up at night thinking about it. John Piper's book and movement- "Don't waste your life" has sold thousands of copies.

At 10:31, once my eyes had adjusted and the yellow light became normal, it hit me. I may not even notice when I am settling for imitations. I forget how bright the sun is, once my eyes adjust to indoors. It only takes a moment to be outside of truth, to be swept up by it. To appreciate it even. My God.

I search for significance more often than not, not because I am concerned with how to glorify God, and make him beautiful through my gifts and talents and show others his perfection, but I search (at times) for significance because I have stepped just enough out of his divine security and heart filled worship, that my vision is dimmed and I begin frantically searching for security, and purpose... and I settle to the adjustment of fulfilling it. Instead of simply being in the sun. I don't care about basking in the fact that I am redeemed, and loved and listened too, and that He knows the desires and gifts of my heart and how best to put them to use more than anyone... instead I want a soundbite, a plan that I can share with others and then stamp God's direction on it. I start obsessing over a business plan, or networking, or I start staying awake at night thinking about what I am going to do so I don't fall through the cracks, and people don't forget my name.

And here's the kicker, the future God has for me may very well be the elaborate business plan, but if my heart is self serving, God is not glorified. And since God's measure is my motive, not my profit, its pointless. I can do the right thing, but with a bad heart and ruin it all.
Joseph became the prince of Egypt and never had a business plan. Moses preserved a nation and freed them from 400 years of bondage with no political power... No personal orchestration, just obedience, courage and faith.

"Commit your ways to the Lord, and He will establish them." Prov. 16:3 ... I realize now that "ways" is my life, before my business plan. I commit my life, my daily thoughts and interactions to God, moment by moment, and in that He establishes me. He provides, and sustains, and lifts up and abases -as necessary-for His glory and my joy.